i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine