I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
motivation
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast