I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Legend 🤣🤣
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.