I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.