I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
You Might Also Like
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.