I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
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When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
🏙👨🏼
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.