I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week