I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…