I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
You Might Also Like
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.