I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
ibopfufen
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off