I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there