I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??