I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.