I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
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When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
6: are snakes just neck?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!