I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.