I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Do one person every day that scares you.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”