@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

@16bitbulbasaur

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

@AndreyasAsylum

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

@_elvishpresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@RobertManchild

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

@trishimal25

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

@Smooheed

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

@smithsara79

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?