I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
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Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Xylophonist Shredding It
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Someone just threatened to call me later
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.