I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

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[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot


professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question


It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.


Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that


“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification


Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.


Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out


Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?