I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You Might Also Like
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Don’t snitch tag.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
girls literally only want one thing..
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.