I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.


don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue


How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?


“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler


worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost


I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.


No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.


4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.


Me: *sprints to the toaster*


My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.


In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.