My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.