@marcusparkersol

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

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@mommajessiec

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

@broccobamali

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

@Xalqee

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

@UnFitz

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

@pleatedjeans

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

@LFdiepretty

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

@toomanycommas3

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

@amentalrecess

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.