I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
You know I’m something of a chef myself
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.