I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool