Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
This makes total sense…
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit