I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

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GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.


Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.


This makes total sense…


Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.


My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao


My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.


Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.


Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit