I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.


RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”


I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.


Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!


By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance


I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.


[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”


Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15


Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.


I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.