@mandysparklerxo

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

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@caliluvgirl77

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

@BassoonJokes

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

@heatherlou_

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

@Jassar8000

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

@PJTLynch

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

@Vice_Queen

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

@Book_Krazy

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

@RidiculousSheri

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

@1Happytwit

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

@RunOldMan

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.