I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
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The Weeknd is back
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I bet
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.