I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
do what now??
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.