I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
wow
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd