I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.