I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
some cats are just doing for fun!
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
This came to me in a dream.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.