i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
the Monday after daylight savings
Jogging
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.