I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.