I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates