@jwoodham Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
@theshantilly I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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@jwoodham 
@Elizasoul80 Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
@amydillon When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
@thepatrickwalsh When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
@doktorj Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
@LaLuchaNix Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
@KentWGraham I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
@AsgardianRose Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
@E_lok44 If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
@kariassad Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are