I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
lol
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.