@theshantilly

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@doktorj

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

@LaLuchaNix

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

@KentWGraham

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

@AsgardianRose

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

@E_lok44

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

@kariassad

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are