I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Here’s a meme
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁