I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My last name is Zilla.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
what’s more important?