I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it