I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
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I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
🍛
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.