I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
good morning
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.