I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
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I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.