I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
saw this in a dream
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.