I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start