I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
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Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
True?