I just ran a .003048K
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Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.