I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My blood type is coffee.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other