I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
You Might Also Like
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.