I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
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It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Beware of fowl play.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats