I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
that’s really how it is
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.