@Talk_To_The_Hat

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

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@madee_kha_rest

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

@Rollinintheseat

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

@Tommytoughstuff

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

@JohnHilsen

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

@JasonLastname

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

@stacywawa1

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

@iwearaonesie

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

@HenpeckedHal

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

@SardonicTart

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.