I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
good work, detective
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
this makes me so uncomfortable