I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?