@sistersurf

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

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@flinnie

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

@kaicomedy

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

@omically

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

@momjeansplease

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

@daemonic3

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

@AmishSuperModel

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

@BradBroaddus

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.