I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood