I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Put a ring on it