I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
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At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there