I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean


Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.


Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.


A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.


When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.


All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.


“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.


Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.


Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.