@GetCougarized

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

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@DartsBofficial

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

@rickolantern

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

@punmagnate

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

@bobvulfov

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

@handsforkeys

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

@Home_Halfway

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

@momjeansss_

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

@ChaseMit

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

@AnkCoupleTO

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!