@GetCougarized

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

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@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@ilovepie84

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

@SavageDabs69

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

@ericonederful

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

@ceejoyner

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

@iRowlf

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

@XplodingUnicorn

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@atthecubicle

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.