I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”


The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going


Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss


(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide


No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me


“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator


Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence


Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.


Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!